Tantric Love Letters
On Sex & Affairs of the Heart
Tantric Love Letters is a unique, interesting, and informative collection of authentic letters from people who have begun to look at sex from a ‘new’ perspective and bring about a ‘change’ in their way of making love. This personal correspondence is made available in order to encourage and support those people who have already embarked on a sexual enquiry, as well as to inspire or motivate others to begin exploring other dimensions of sex right away.
On the surface, the sexual realm feels to be particularly personal and individual. The question may well arise “How can the sex life of somebody else have any relevance to me?” The reality is that we are more similar to each other than we actually realize or appreciate - a fact that has become increasingly clear and obvious to me during my many years of teaching. This underlying truth means we can without doubt use the experiences of others to guide, help and support us to grow in love and understanding.
Sex is not given to us as a haphazard or random force that is subject to a person’s chosen whims, goals, expectations or fantasies. The truth is that human sexual design is very precise and carries a deep intelligence in its roots; and sex has a higher potential beyond its reproductive or fun and entertainment function. Sex is a door that can lead to a step in human evolution, and not only to human reproduction. It is by changing the actual ‘how’ of sex that results in the quantum leap. Sex with ‘heightened awareness’ has a direct, positive and lasting impact on well-being and personal evolution. Sex ‘rightly’ employed is an empowering force that brings self-assurance and clarity, balances mood swings, enhances creativity, as well as significantly elevating the vibration of love within and around you.
And the by-product of this ‘shift’ is that the many sexual difficulties, relationship problems, personal insecurities and performance pressures commonly experienced spontaneously tend to evaporate. Love and harmony is re-created with extraordinary ease. There can be no higher endorsement to the value of making some kind of a ‘change’ in our sexual behaviour than these revealing facts alone!
The letters that appear in this book are selected from an archive of several hundred letters that I have received, mostly by e-mail, from people living in many different parts of the world. Each person expresses in their own way the benefits of viewing or having sex from a fresh perspective. These letters also disclose the wide range of far reaching positive, healing, integrating and uplifting effects that accompany a change in the ‘style’ of sex.
Ever since January1993 when I initially started to teach couples, and even more so since 1999 following the publication my first book, there has been a growing wave of affirmative response that continues until this day. The many insights and experiences of others have further served to corroborate that which I myself have experienced. To me this resounding ‘yes’ is the crystal clear echo of nature, confirming that such is nature’s way, and according to her wishes.
Tantric Love Letters is definitely not intended as a comprehensive sexual guide, even though sexual advice is frequently given. A full sexual re-orientation and explanation is to be found in my earlier books.
Please note that all names and identifying details of contributors have been changed to ensure personal privacy. Should any similarity exist between a randomly chosen fictitious name and anyone else’s personal circumstances, this is pure coincidence.
The letters very loosely sorted and assembled under one of the following five umbrellas: Chapter 1: Positive Resonance & Response; Chapter 2: Relationship Themes; Chapter 3: Emotional Aspects; Chapter 4: Sexual Subjects; Chapter 5: Special Issues. Sometimes the theme of one letter will also appear as an issue in another letter under a different chapter heading, but this level of overlapping is unavoidable. Chapter 3 on Emotional Aspects begins with a short introduction to the subject of emotions and feelings. The other four chapters do not require any special introduction as the chapter titles speak for themselves.
Usually the incoming letters are followed by my reply, but in several cases where the letter is a ‘personal report’ or a ‘personal statement’, my response is not always included. This is especially true in Chapter 1 on Positive Resonance & Response
The people who have written to me fall into a few categories. Some I have met personally through their participation in one of the seven day residential Making Love Retreats for couples that I have been leading together with my partner Michael for the last twenty years. Other people have read one of the books and immediately put theory into practice by trying out some of the suggestions, and then afterwards have written sharing their insights and experiences. Some readers, even without any direct or personal experience, write expressing their appreciation because the information and orientation on sex simply has the ring of truth to it. Sometimes people write to me about their sexual problems on the advice of a third person - a friend, a therapist, or a counselor. And others with sexual problems search on the Internet and end up on our web site, and write asking for advice. In two instances where reports of personal experiences were pasted up on an American Internet forum, I took the liberty of turning them into a letter format.
In previous books I have used the personal experiences of others to support and endorse a new sexual vision. However, all of the personal sharings and reports that appear in this book, with the exception of one letter only, are published for the first time. In a few instances I have slightly amplified my reply for readers who may be less familiar with my approach.
The human body contains a subtle inner design that is essential to know about because it enables us to honor our creator, and live our full sexual potential. The human body can be seen as a replica of the earth, with a magnetic North and South Pole. Like the earth, the body is similarly surrounded by and infused with a magnetic field. Each and every single human body is ‘magnetically’ conceived, as microcosm of the macrocosm. The body carries two energetically opposite poles that can be imagined as similar to a self-contained ‘inner magnet’. One pole is located in the genitals, and the other pole is found in the heart. Because these two poles are of opposite polarity there exists the inherent potential/capacity for energy, vitality and potency to flow, circulate, stream and expand through and beyond the body.
On this subtle magnetic level male and female bodies are fundamentally different. They are equal forces, but they are also opposite forces. In this way man can be imagined as a magnet standing upside down, with the poles reversed. And it is exactly this basic incongruity and lack of similarity that makes male and female units highly complimentary and compatible. When the opposite poles of two magnets come into each other’s presence there is a strong attraction, and energy flow within the individual magnets, as well as between the magnets. And the surrounding magnetic field is amplified. And these happenings take place without actually ‘doing’ anything. It happens naturally and spontaneously due to their innate properties and the proximity of the magnets in relation to each other.
Similar types of magnetic responses are possible within our own bodies, and between our bodies. Integrating and aligning ourselves with our significant ‘magnetic’ arrangement enables bodies to produce states of ecstasy and blissfulness. All that is required is our co-operation with the body and attempting to create an atmosphere that invites such higher experiences. Thus it is really a matter of having the right information in hand and a willingness to extend our sexual horizons.
There are two responses in particular that I have heard from people countless times over the years, words that touch me each and every time. Many say that they already ‘intuitively knew’ the information, but they did not trust themselves sufficiently to honor it. The second is that people report a deep sense of ‘arriving home’ in themselves for the very first time. These examples alone are persuasive enough, in that one shows that the knowledge already rests within our bodies, and the other points to its integrating and empowering effects. Tantric Love Letters is a way of sharing a wide range of personal experiences that can serve as encouragement to initiate or deepen a life-changing enquiry into sex.
My first book was written in 1996 and published in 1999 with the title The Love Keys – A Unique Guide to Love and Sexual Fulfillment. In 2002 it was republished as The Heart of Tantric Sex – with the same subtitle. This initial book is a comprehensive sexual reorientation that presents the basic ‘Love Keys’ in depth.
I have since written several other books, two as co-author with my partner Michael. However the basic view of and approach to sex does not change, it runs as a constant thread throughout. Instead, there are a number of windows through which the sexual experience can be viewed, where each outlook is valid and unique. Tantric Orgasm for Women is from the female perspective and informs woman of the higher potential that lies in the power of relaxation, receptivity and femininity. Likewise, the later companion book, Tantric Sex for Men – Making Love a Meditation, is viewed from the male angle, and informs man of ways to develop his innate potential and male authority by becoming ‘present’ to himself and woman in sex.
Alongside the importance of having an informed approach to sex, there is another basic requirement for harmonious love relationships – to have an understanding of the crucial distinction between ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions’. These words are used interchangeably, however in reality feelings and emotions are physically and psychologically very different experiences. Knowing how to identify the difference imbues you with the power to ‘protect’ and sustain your love. In each book a chapter is devoted to this all-important subject. However, in the book Tantric Love – Feeling versus Emotion, Golden Rules to Make Love Easy, the information on how to distinguish between these two ‘states’ is removed from its sexual context, and elaborated into a comprehensive book, with the intention of making the information more accessible.
In my most recently published book Slow Sex – The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality, sex is viewed through the window of yoga and the existence of powerful universal metabolic enhancers. Embracing certain qualities - for example awareness and relaxation - can transform life from its very roots upward.
All of our books speak to the fact that in nature there exists a form and style of sexual communion between man and woman that is simple, sweet, spiritual, innocent, and fulfilling. A way that generates love and for which human beings are intrinsically designed. And such is the case whether a person knows it or not, or whether they choose to act upon it (by co-operating with their inner design), or not.
When we understand our sexual selves, we feel more in charge of our lives, more relaxed, more grounded, more centered, more confident. Love lies in our hands because we become capable of consciously creating love, nourishing love, and sustaining love. Sexual communion with ‘intelligence’ at its base has the power to spontaneously propel sex toward its higher vibration of love.
Glossary of Terms and Expressions
Below is a compilation of terms and expressions sometimes used in the course of the correspondence. The clarifications given below are simple and brief, and given solely with the intention of providing a few signposts to someone who is not so familiar with the territory. These explanations are not comprehensive and anyone wishing to understand the information and guidelines at a deeper level is directed to our previously published books.
Conventional sex: traditional style of sex where the energy is habitually built up to a climax/peak. Tends to be a short act because of high levels of excitement/tension.
Goal/orgasm oriented: ahead of the present moment, more focused on the next penetration because it takes you closer to the goal. General direction/intention is to reach an end, to ‘come’ or ‘finish’.
Stimulation and excitement: the basic requirement to build up and reach a climax. Usually involves rubbing or friction of genitals, effort and tension.
Mechanical: where the movements in sex are repetitive, machinelike, unconscious.
Discharge of energy: the downward flow of energy/tension that accompanies the peak/climax. The energy is dispersed; it is not contained in the body.
Hot sex: sex where the temperature increases, built up to reach the climax. Using stimulation, sensation, and excitement as the way to get there.
Sexual conditioning: the inherited patterns of sex that are unconsciously absorbed from the society and make us have sex in a certain way, as in ‘conventional’ sex.
Sexual deconditioning: a process of using the awareness to challenge the inherited sexual habits that repress the life/sex energy.
Tantra/tantric sex: style of sex where there is no particular direction/goal/effort, it can unfold over many hours. The climax is not the point. It is an option. Energy can also be ‘contained’. The habit of climax is reduced or abandoned.
Cool sex: style of sex where the temperature is kept intentionally low so that a person remains more present, in the here and now, not concerned about orgasm.
Awareness: the basis of tantric sex – to being more conscious and paying attention to what you are doing, and as you are doing it; avoiding being mechanical or going on automatic.
Present: attention is focused (in a relaxed way) on the very moment that is taking place, the actual here and now experience.
Sensation: where the stimulus tends to be more from an external source, or on the periphery of one’s body, increases excitement and desire. Too much sensation can lead to eventual loss of sensitivity.
Sensitivity: where the stimulus/relaxed focus lies more within the inner realms a person. Receptivity to and perception of the subtle fine cellular movements in the body tissues that make up the ‘inner world’ of the body.
Receptivity: through being ‘present’ intrinsic capacity to receive, to absorb, to contain, to embrace, and to nourish life.
Dynamic: through being ‘present’ intrinsic capacity to convey, to flow, move, to channel, to radiate, to give life.
Containment/non-ejaculation: where ejaculation is neither controlled nor repressed, but where the sexual temperature is kept in the cool zone, and through less excitement/stimulation ejaculation is effortlessly kept at bay.
Magnetic intelligence/qualities: the human body similar to a ‘magnet’ with two poles, genitals and heart. Inbuilt capacity to circulate subtle refined energies within and between bodies.
Positive pole: body parts from which energy is raised or awakened. Woman/ breasts and nipples, man/area of the perineum.
Negative pole: places where energy is received. Woman/vagina, man/heart.
Perineum: small coin-sized muscular knot lying directly in front of the anus in man and woman.
Soft penetration: option of entry into woman without the need for erection.
Deep penetration: when erection is present to remain in the depths of the vagina instead of moving in and out.
Lubrication: almond oil for example, and suggest that it is used every time.
Scissors/side position: position where man lays on his side, woman lies on her back, and the legs are interlaced in scissor-style. Brings genitals into proximity.
Healing/purification: when awareness and relaxation are introduced into sex many old tensions or memories or pains spontaneously move out of the system, and in different ways.
Feelings: like sadness, love, pain, joy, that arise in the moment, and should be shared and shown.
Emotions/emotionality: feelings that are not allowed, kept in and repressed. Stored in the system and become toxins that then turn into negativity.
Symptoms of emotion: indicators that signify emotion e.g. disconnection, cannot look a person in the eyes, blaming, arguing, complaining.
Low-grade emotions: like a low-grade infection, where a person feels continually in a subtle state of disconnection, a bit blue, or slightly depressed.
Afterwards is your teacher: noticing how you ‘feel’ after sex, then evaluating this in relation to what you did during sex, and then being self-guided by the outcomes.
Meditation: simply relaxing into the here and now. Being with the genital connection as a center point for the awareness.
Blissfulness/ecstasy: a state of feeling oneself as pure vital energy, where boundaries dissolve, timelessness, immense peace and harmony.
Chakra: energy center, or “wheel” of which there are many in the body.
Kundalini: energy/vitality/life force lying coiled and dormant at the base of the spine (often likened to a snake), that is ultimately designed to rise.
Love keys: guidelines to increase awareness in the body moment by moment.
Tools not rules: tantric sex is not a technique with rules. Guidelines to use and experiment with in order to transform sex into more conscious experience.
Osho: spiritual master and mystic from India. Early 1970’s he spoke in particular on tantra and the transformation of the sexual energy into a meditative energy.
Barry Long: spiritual master from Australia who produced revolutionary talks called Making Love - Sexual love the divine way, in the early 1980’s.